The Myth of Compromise
I’ve never quite sorted where the myth of compromise began. I only know that I’ve been in practice for 23 years and without exception, every single couple has described their exhausted efforts in subscribing to this philosophy.
Compromise is an effective tool for the first number of months in any relationship, when you are both busy pouring appreciation over one another like sunshine and rainbows. “Yes dear, I want for you to have all your every desire at any expense.”
You can prolong this heightened state of happy for a long time if you don’t move in together. It fades more rapidly if you do. But ultimately, that glow of being infatuated with the newness of one another must diminish, or we’d never get a thing done. It is also fiercely taxing on our brains to think obsessively about the same person, so I’m thankful we all settle in at some point to what real love is really all about.
But here comes the tricky part:
How do we both exist in a relationship and remain happy, when we are faced with divergent wants and needs and there just doesn’t seem enough of anything to sort out who gets what? This is where the good ‘ole stand-by of compromise marches into the playbook and we begin to fumble away at a project that was doomed to fail from the beginning. Makes for busy marriage counsellors and divorce lawyers.
Compromise looks like this:
“I’ll get a part of what I want, and store a little resentment for what I didn’t get. And you get a part of what you want, and store a little resentment for what you didn’t get.”
In the beginning, those little bits of resentment are fairly negligible. Over time, they pile one on top of another like a brick fortress and suddenly the person you love most in this world is breathing, both INNNNNN and outttttt… “Is this realllllly necessary?”
While we can’t do much about that stockpile of resentment beyond demonstrating the obvious, we can do loads about rewriting the way a couple manages their wants and needs in future.
“When what I want becomes non-negotiable and what you want becomes non-negotiable”, we now have two adults really talkin’! There is a third option for every situation. Always. No question, I have been stumped in office reaching around to find that “third” option that allows both people to feel whole and happy, but inevitably, with some time to let it simmer in the back of our brains, it appears.
When we decide in our minds that the road ahead has only two possibilities, our brains STOP looking for another solution. But ask yourself a question? Ahhhh… Poke around a little with a few ideas just to get the wheels turning. Hmmmm… Leave it alone for a few days and allow your subconscious mind to earn its keep.
Don’t throw out compromise. We’ve relied on it for years and 50 percent of the population has survived marriage as a result. Not rotten odds, just not good enough. Integrate the concept of “the third option” by posting your want on your bedroom mirror and letting it sit there without commentary. See what evolves. And be playful about it, too; all this compromise business just even sounds ugly. Third option, now that sounds creative! Enjoy!
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Kim Sargent
Clinical Director
Canadian Family Health Counselling