Parenting Teens

Prior to arriving in Peterborough at St. Joseph's Hospital to begin my Clinical Counselling Practice, I had completed my Internship at the Hospital for Sick Children in Adolescent Medicine. The program continues today to treat all manner of angst, and its tell-tale signs that include substance abuse, risk-taking behaviours and clinical depression. In 1997, teenagers who struggled appeared to be the exception to the rule.

In recent years, we've seen a shift. We know that anxiety and depression continue to rise and parenting a teenager can provoke a lot of fear.

When is being quiet, sullen or withdrawn a sign of something more sinister at play? When is attitude just the right amount of growing up, and obstinate behaviour a warning sign?

It must be said that I trust a parent's intuition more than any single textbook or research journal on the subject.

Trust. Your. Instincts.

You know your child. Period. You know them better than any doctor, any therapist, any well-meaning friend's assurances that it's "just typical teenage behaviour."

Now, can you tend to the extravagant with your worry? Yes, yes I would imagine that this is very true as well. You're a parent. It's written somewhere in the fine print.

Here are a few things to consider:

1. How many points of contact do you have in a day? Create several touch points in a day that are non-negotiable. When I say touch points, I mean touch points. Order a clanging bell akin to the old fashioned dinner bell, and hang it in a central location. Insist on voluntary morning and bedtime hugs, but install this HUG BELL and clang it 3x a day.

When this bell rings, everyone must come from far and wide to hug the clanger. Yes, I am serious. Become the geekiest-goofiest-I-can't-even-believe-we're-related parent, that you can muster. Be unapologetic about your efforts. Serotonin, Dopamine and Oxytocin are released in the brain for both hugger and huggee. One to Three Shots a Day.
This also allows you to take note of how your child dresses, how they smell, their eyes must make contact and their facial features can only hide so much. Don't forget, your teenager is enrolled in the "guess what's wrong with me now" program. Their eyes say it all. This clanging bell can provide you with oodles of information and despite their protestations, there is a little person within that big grown up-looking one that needs to feel loved and safe and seen.

2. Drive your child. I am not suggesting you trade in your car for a bus but parents, be the person who shows up whether it's the mall, a party at 2am, the early morning practice, or a drive thru DQ for a late night sundae. Drive them. Say yes EVERY SINGLE TIME, or almost. This won't last long. They will leave home soon. You'll not remember the inconvenience a few years from now.

And hand out your cell number to every friend and friend's parent possible. Create a network. If you want to be on the cooler side, pull the kids through for some burgers and fries when you pick them up, or keep a snack pack of chips and chocolate bars ready for the occasion. But you don't need to be cool, you can be silent too. Just do the driving, and listen. What you need to know is all there, in those car rides. You can ask that if you're driving, they put away their cell phones. Again, embrace your uber-dork and play it out large. "OK, so did all the children have fun at the party? Did you play Pin-The-Tale-On-The-Donkey?" Or my personal favourite hollering "Make good choices!" as they hop out of the vehicle.

3. Post a photo from our blog on your fridge about the modern brain. I won't belabour the point, but the myelination process is not yet complete in their adolescent brains. This means, messages are sending- but they are not receiving. YOU are their Executive Functioning for these next few years. You can also have some fun with this. "No need to be upset. Your Prefrontal Cortex just hasn't finished developing yet, but it'll be done soon. We're hoping before College but if not, I've always wanted to go back. I'm thinking bright orange for the dorm room, you?"

4. Eating the building blocks for healthy happy chemistry is important. Make them a Happy Shake. Set out their morning vitamins and spend some extra on the new Gummy Bear or Sour Candy versions. Pack them a lunch or stuff some carrots into their backpack. But again, push push push the "Eat your vegetables, because I am your Mother." They'll hate it. They'll also do it.

5. Know when to make the call. If you are hugging, driving, listening, teaching and feeding, you're doing all you can. Know your limits. If you feel as though things are just not quite right, call a therapist. It will never hurt to demonstrate to your child that getting help is as simple as a phone call. Your call to a Counsellor should become as normal as your call to a dentist. Normalize help. Normalize YOU getting help, when you get stuck. Show them what it looks like to ask for help. Every bit of parenthood is about how it translates into adult life. Seeking help when we get into trouble is a lifelong lesson best learned first.

If you feel your child is getting stuck in any unwanted emotion, help them find the support they need.

With the ongoing pandemic, everyone’s mental health is at stake, no matter the age. More and more people are starting to look for anxiety counselling and depression counselling. We offer these services and more within Peterborough AND virtually. Visit our Explore Your Options page to see how we can help today.

And parents.... you're doing great. Home stretch.